October 17th, 2010 
jvremec
Secret to a Successful Divorce: Instead of an Attorney Use Self-help, Mediation or Collaborative Law
Author: Ed Sherman
Here’s why.
To get a divorce, you need to tell the court how you will divide marital property and whether there will be spousal support. If you have minor children, you must also tell the court how they will be supported and parented after the divorce — the visitation schedule. That’s all a divorce is about.
If you can be sure your spouse will not come to court to oppose you on any of these matters, all that’s left is some paperwork to get your judgment (decree in some states). This can be done inexpensively in California or Texas by using Nolo’s “How to Do Your Own Divorce” kit. In other states, you can get it done for a few hundred dollars by using a divorce typing service or by shopping your easy case around to various attorneys until someone gives you a fair price.
If your spouse is in the picture and cares about the terms, then you need to work out a written agreement on property, parenting and support. There is software to make this easy for you. Once you have an agreement, finishing your case is now just a matter of paperwork and can be done for a few hundred dollars as described above.
Inability to agree is almost never about the law, almost always about personalities and emotional upset. If you can’t agree, you don’t need a lawyer; you need a mediator or a collaborative law attorney. If you still can’t agree, you don’t need a lawyer, you need an arbitrator.
There are absolutely no solutions for personal problems in a lawyer’s office or in a courtroom. In fact, the legal system is almost certain to make things worse. This is because our adversarial legal system is based on argument and conflict, where one side argues, fights, and struggles to win, to beat the other side. This is a terrible way to settle family disputes. It increases conflict and expense, greatly increases the time it will take you to rebalance your life, and reduces chances for cooperative parenting.
Before you retain an attorney to represent you, remember this simple equation: “The more trouble you have = the more money your attorney makes.” This is not a good basis for a smooth, successful negotiation.
Many attorneys become so frustrated with the legal system that they leave litigation behind in favor of more constructive forms of practice, such as mediation and collaborative law. These are both discussed below.
Better alternatives
Self-help. The things you can do to help yourself are far superior to anything an attorney can do for you. Specific steps you should take depend on your situation and are discussed in detail in my book, Make Any Divorce Better. If you follow my advice, things will get better soon.
Get organized. Before you can get advice, work out an agreement, or decide what you want and what is fair, you need to organize the facts and documents in your case. You will need to do this sooner or later no matter what, so why not do it yourself for free instead of paying a professional hundreds of dollars an hour to help you do it? Inexpensive worksheets are available to help you make this task easy. Doing this work won’t take long and it will help you understand your case, clarify your thinking, and make clear what questions you want to ask of an attorney, if you decide to see one.
Get advice. After you’re organized, if you have questions about the law in your state you should seek advice from an attorney who mostly does family law mediation, very little or no litigation. This way, you are more likely to get neutral, useful advice that will lead to solutions rather than court. Be sure to ask if the laws of your state are such that you can predict what any judge will order based on the facts and issues in your case. In most states, the outcome of any case is highly unpredictable, which is one of the reasons that a settlement by the parties is far superior to taking a chance on what some judge might decide, a stranger who does not have more than a few minutes to try to understand your family and the facts of your case.
Get help. If you and your spouse can’t work out a written settlement agreement on your own, you have two good alternatives.
Mediation. If both sides agree, you sit down with a mediator who will help you work out an agreement. Mediators are trained to help balance bargaining power, keep communications on point and useful, prevent bullying or abuse in the negotiation, and help the parties find common ground and eventual agreement. Mediation is usually very effective.
Many attorneys claim to mediate, but you should look for a family law specialist who is primarily a mediator, someone who does very little or no litigation. There are also some excellent non-attorney mediators but in general these are best used when the issues of your case are limited to personal discord and parenting. If your case involves money, property or support issues, you’d be better off with an attorney mediator who can bring knowledge of state law and local judges into the discussion. Ask if they do that, because many mediators will not bring in legal information even if they could, preferring each party to have separate counsel, something that greatly increases your cost.
Collaborative law. A collaborative law attorney represents you and speaks for you, but they enter into a written agreement with the other side not to go to court to solve problems. Instead, they concentrate on negotiation and mediation. Depending on your case, they might form a team with an accountant, therapist, child specialist, or financial planner. This approach only works if the party and attorney on the other side are willing to enter into this arrangement. Collaborative divorce has a good track record and even with all the professional services it will still cost less than a court battle. This is a new but rapidly growing subspecialty, so there may not be any collaborative lawyers near you. Go on the Internet and search “collaborative law” plus the name of your state or city, or call the local bar or other attorneys and ask if they know of any collaborative divorce lawyers near you. When you talk to one, find out how many other such cases they have conducted.
© 2008 Ed Sherman
Author
Ed Sherman is a senior partner in Sherman, Naraghi, Woodcock & Pipersky and a family law attorney since 1967. He founded Nolo Press in 1971 with How to Do Your Own Divorce in California and forever changed the way legal services are delivered through his many books on divorce, creation of the independent paralegal movement, and co-founding of Divorce Helpline. He has made it his life’s work to help people keep their family problems out of the legal grinder — our adversarial court system.
About the Author
For more information, please visit www.nolodivorce.com
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Living in Southern California and need a divorce lawyer but cant afford one?
Ok this is for a friend but not me.
She is attempting to file for divorce but the paperwork is to confusing and she also cannot find her now ex. She cant afford to pay for her legal services her self, and she has also attempted to go to the local self help center at our court house but they dont do much else then give her the paperwork and tell her to refill it out. What other resources does she have? She is located in LA county.
Hi,
Have your friend call up local lawyers and explain her problem and ask them what it would cost to just have them do the bare minimum and just tell her what she needs to know.In fact show up and ask in person ..they could be sitting there bored..and knowing they are not going to make a fortune doing nothing might just take the five or ten Min’s to help her. Normally an attorney would charge by the hour, for advice or instructions , but that is also in an ongoing relationship. I think she could find one that was willing to just charge her a small fee to file papers for her. The reason I say that is that is exactly what I did…and I found a lawyer who did it for me or i should say told me what to do … by the way…he only charged me 76 dollars..I too was in L.A. co…my ex was also missing ..so a fee for an ad in the newspaper will be needed ..not much!!..and I guess that is very nice of a person.
Hope you can be as lucky!!!
Peace
ps. if your friend cannot even afford less than a hundred dollars for a serious thing like divorce ..she has much bigger things to worry about than a divorce.This is not a put down in any way just comon sense. I wish her the best!!
Peace
My wife and I are in the middle of a divorce. Well she went and either took my name off and/or changed every?
insurance policy we have. According to our divorce papers (California) neither of us is allowed to change or cancle, etc any of our insurance. Can I or rather, should I file a contempt of court against her? She has a lawyer, I dont. and she has total control over all we own. I am doing this all on my own through self help. HELP!
NO CHILDREN INVOLVED
Yes, you should file a motion for “Order to Show Cause” why she should not be held in contempt of court. Marital assets are frozen under the laws of most states when a divorce is filed and you probably have an order to that effect. Can you afford to at least consult an attorney? It’s unwise to go through this without knowing what your legal rights are. California is a community property state and you are entitled to 1/2 of all the assets acquired during marriage and responsible for 1/2 the debts. For your own sake, even if you decide not to hire an attorney, do NOT sign a settlement agreement without having an attorney review it. The police will not help you in this matter. They avoid divoce disputes like the plague.
California DIVORCE QUESTION SPOUSAL SUPPORT?
Are there any attorneys out there (or persons who have endured the procedure), who can lay out the “tests” for spousal support? A long-term marriage (21 years).
I worked self employed the whole time, middle income.
She.. REFUSED to work even though I begged many years for help, in bad markets, and in hard times, could never get help either in the home or in the work place.
What are the tests?
I was burdened with having to work ( I am ok with that )
I had to cook meals most days for years. If I wanted a clean home, I had to clean it
I virtually raised our kids.
I was involved with their sports, and activities.
she did NOT respect, desire, support, care for me,
… or act like a wife.
She spent 8-10 hours a day watching TV in her underwear, and I ( for the better part of 21 years) would come home to see a trashed home, clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink, and the home in shambles. She wants EVERYTHING I have worked for. at least she was faithful ( I think )
Notes:
Both of us have similar education, and no college. I do Real Estate for a “living”, and we all know how that is going.
Notes:
Both of us have similar education, and no college. I do Real Estate for a “living”, and we all know how that is going.
MAINLY, My
Question is… Is there a way to prevent being ordered to pay support to a person who did NOT live up to her part of the marriage commitment? That is, the promises and/or covenants made when getting married?
i’m in the process of divorcing in california. and this is what i’ve learned.
depending on how old the kids are, and where they will primarily live, can greatly affect the amount and/or necessity of spousal support.
the thing is, in california, divorce is no fault. so you can tell a lawyer and/or judge everything you said here, and they’ll just ignore that you even said anything. again, depends on the kids ages and who they will live with. but in some cases you can actually make so she would have to go to work and come up with the money to make ends meet on her end, even if the kids were to stay with you. just because she wants everything, doesn’t mean that she’ll get it. yes she’ll be entitled to 50% right off the bat. but if you have any sort of documents (outside of the kids themselves, unless you want them to testify on your behalf) that prove the things you have said; such as you virtually raising the kids and being the one primarily involved in their lives, use it.
divorce in california……………………..?
my wife has filed a divorce on me here in california. i really love my wife. never ever hurt her. we have been married for 8 years now and we married in the philippines. we are both natural born filipinos. but i naturalized. we have an adopted son in the philippines. i don’t want to lose her. i know she can stop the divorce or cancel it. but is there is anyway or something i can do to stop it my self ? thank you for your help. my wife still has her greencard which she aquired a year ago. thank you.
First of all, I am very sorry to hear this. It must be hard on you.
Here is my advice: As of right now, you can contest the divorce. Basically that says that all things have not been agreed on. However, it will go to trial. You can’t stop the divorce if that is what she really wants. As far as the green-card, if she is not a US citizen, when her green-card expires she will need to leave. You are a citizen. How about your child? You will stay with the child if the child is a citizen, but if the child isn’t she will leave with them. Talk to an attorney.
Divorce/annulment info for California needed?
I need to get out of my marriage. I live in a small town and there isnt anywhere I can go to and find out info on getting out of my marriage.
My husband is abusive and any advice on how I can get a divorce or annulment would be great.
I did not marry him for the right reasons and I had no idea what I was getting into.
I would like to know how much harder it is to get an annulment then it is a divorce.
We do not have any kids, we have been married for just over 2 yrs, I am willing to leave pretty much everything with him and I know that he and I can agree on property and cars and things like that. My low life of a husband does have a lot of debt( like being too lazy to file taxes this year) that he had before me, I am worried that this will be put on me?
Once I save up the money I will be moving out of the COUNTY he and I currently live in. He will not know where I am going as I am scared as he has told me that he would “kill me” if I tried to leave him.
When I leave can I file for a divorce right away? Where do I go and how much is it going to cost? Will I ever have to see my “husband” again if he and I can agree on who gets what? Can I even file for a divorce if he and I do not live in the same county? What happens after I file?
Will I have to go to a lawyer/ paralegal a bunch of times to have this all done?
Can I do this all my self?
I really do NOT want to have to show up in a court room over this.
Any info yous can give me would help. step by step if you can along with how much it all costs
thanks for the help!
call legal aid and get some advice